When we treat our relationships like a recipe, it rarely works.

To bake a cake, we know what to do. We follow the recipe, cakes come out.

In close relationships, however, it’s a dance, with 2 rhythms. Yours and theirs.

The busy parent who believes in quality time, celebrates the birthday party, and attends the football tournament.

Yes, quality matters.

What trips us up is the belief that we just need to be there at the BIG moments. And we know when.

But your rhythm might not match their rhythm. The time when your child wants to share the truth about his experience at school or how the stars gave questions about living.

The moment arises, and we need to be there to catch it.

The tricky part is we don’t know when. But when it comes, those are the moments that count.

There is no way of knowing ahead, we just need to be there.

Quality matters and quantity matters too.

When we treat our relationship, like caring for our teeth, it might just work better.

Is it done?

That’s how we treat our task.

And it can seem like our life is made up of tasks leading to pay cheques, promotions, cars, houses. And stuff.

But it rarely works for our happiness and our relationships.

When we think about our favourite cafes, brands or the people we love, speed is probably not the reason why we love them.

It’s the other stuff.

It’s integrity, it’s energy, it’s generosity. Care, meaning or what they stand for.

The stuff we don’t see. The stuff that is hard to measure.

We wish people would just love us. We wish our bank account would just grow. We wish we could skip it all and get there now.

When we try to rush relationships and our life, we sometimes make it worse. Because we miss out on other stuffs.

It’s trite, but it’s never the destination, or how fast we got there. It’s how we feel while getting there, our task, our relationship and our life.

Are you rushing or are you enjoying?

The school you wanted

The movie you casted

The event with the cool folks

The job that pays and treats you well

The famous publisher

The award list

You could whine. You can wait.

Or you can create your own circle.

Today, we can make our own magic. To find two sticks and turn them into a game. To organize our own conversations, find our own connections… most of all, bring generosity and energy to circles that don’t have enough of either one.

The good news? You’ll always have a spot if you organised it.

And if you’re looking to throw your own, Nick’s book (or his article) is a great place to start.

An act of generosity.

Someone is stuck, and you want to help. So, you jump in.

They appreciate you, you deepen a friendship. Everyone is happy.

It’s thrilling.

Contrary to popular belief, that’s the easy part.

“Why are you siding with them? Help me. I want to make them hurt.”

Your friend is going through a divorce, and wants you to be a partner in casting hurt upon his ex-wife.

“Do you feel my work is not good? You do know that every photographer has a different style, right?”

Your friend is not getting enough projects and you try to help them see their work is out of trend. And to maybe try something new.

When people raise their hands and ask for help (an act of vulnerability), it brings up all sorts of unresolved issues that have been carefully tucked away. Imposter syndrome, insecurities, identity and childhood trauma.

Because of the era we live in, this is fertile ground for all sorts of traps.

Your kindness could be used to maintain an addiction. And when you disagree to give help in the way they want, you might get blamed. Or any small wrongdoing would be used against you.

“I just need some cash. It’s not a lot for you. Why are you so unkind?”

“…is a pretty clear indicator that you weren’t listening.”

It’s messy and it’s tricky.

The hard part is to stay with the discomfort and not to ignore them. To re-approach with curiosity, and let them be if the help they want is not the kind you want to offer.

And the really hard part, despite being blamed, to maintain a posture of kindness for the next person.

Because thank you for your kindness. It matters.