Many broken, and great friendships later, I’ve gathered some observations, insights and advice. And I hope you find something useful.
- Love yourself. The unloveable parts of yourself. The parts that get you in trouble. The part that eat the leftovers that were not yours. The more you can accept those parts of yourself, the more you accept those of others.
- Learn to be by yourself, with yourself. When you enjoy yourself, you would bring joy with you. And your presence becomes a gift.
- Share your difficult times, your journey of overcome. Be a fellow traveler, not a critic.
- Be curious. Find out what is hard for others and why. Ask for permission. Most people don’t need advice, they need company. Facing difficult things is difficult. As Thich Nhat Hanh would say to his friends, “Dear one, I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.”
- Okay, I take that back. Maybe they need advice, but ask first “Would it be helpful if I brainstorm and share some ideas with you, not sure if that would work for you?”
- Be interesting. Do projects that contribute. Learn things that light you up. List them down and share them.
- Be honest and hold strong morals. How you do after your mistakes is more important than what it is. Don’t be the person that others need to watch their back around you.
- Fall in love with people. With humans. In their potential, their goals and their journey. Fall in love, not for the things you can get, but the things you can give. People like people who like them.
- Learn to listen for what isn’t said. For context, for emotions, for energy. Suicide hotlines or coaching schools are good places to learn.
- In every interaction, your job is to find out what they care about, what’s getting in the way and how you can help. Connections, ideas, lived experience and presence, are gifts to offer.
- Two good questions. “What topics are you curious about, in this season?”, “If you are writing an autobiography of yourself, what would you name the current chapter?”
- Most people are unaware of what they are gifted at, it comes easily, and assume everyone is also good at it. When you spot it, tell them. And what you appreciate about them. Works only if it’s genuine.
- Vanessa taught me to practice the answer when asked “What do you do?” It pays dividends. The goal is to intrigue, not to tell your life story. Or worse, sell them something they don’t want.
- Remember their names, their kid’s names, their birthdays, things they care about. Write it down.
- Budget time to follow up, within a week, preferably. Share links, share your network, share ideas for bettering. Follow-up shows sincerity.
- After each interaction, ask yourself “How is my engagement level and energy level?” Check if they are your people. And don’t lie to yourself.
- Double down on your people. Ask them out, go to them and give an easy out. “Love to grab coffee one of these days. But totally understand too, if you are busy. I can come to you.”
- Gift good gifts. And they don’t need to be expensive. Snacks, toys, books, candles. Something useful, something delicious, something delightful. Lea has a great book coming.
- Don’t take away the opportunity for someone to help you. Ask for help. “Hey Janice, I got a favor to ask. I’m going through a weird time. If you got time, love your presence with me.” “Hey JR, do you have 30mins? I love to get your analysis on some houses that I’m considering. But no worries if you’re busy. I’ve asked a few people.”
- Donate to their cause. Buy what they make. Recommend their business to others. Cheer for them, whenever you can.
- If you see a friend walking into a trap, however uncomfortable, share your observation. Take the risk. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll learn who they are.
- Don’t assume, ask. When a friend is going through something ask, “How are you feeling about it?” It creates an opportunity to connect and find out what they really need.
- Lastly, lean into each moment, and every encounter expecting magic or miracles to happen. (Thank you, Adam)
To my friends who treated me with grace, thank you.
Here’s the prequel to this post…
