The past six months have been the scariest experience of my life.
After enduring months of constant fatigue and confusion, I hope that sharing my experience will provide insight if you or a friend are facing similar situations.
My daily routine was: to wake up at 9am, gym, and email for 2 hours. Then I would tire and go back to sleep till 4pm. Some days, I never leave the house for the rest of the day.
One month in, with no increase in my energy levels, I decided to cut back on all my projects – coaching, volunteering with AWARE, and podcasting. I only kept working on my animation studio projects.
I tried various things to improve my symptoms – coaches, somatic therapy, nature walks, volunteering to deliver meals, renting my own place, meditation class and even praying through different religions. There are slight improvements, but it did not sustain. My symptoms did not improve and time is passing like sand.
I’m confused if it’s burnout, grief and midlife crisis. I explored it all. The trouble is psychological “problems” are not definite.
I was running out of ideas.
I never anticipated that my emotions would be affected. I couldn’t feel. I had no feelings, no anger, no sadness, no joy. Making decisions became ten times harder. Sometimes, it would take me days to reply messages.
Even though my friends took time out of their schedules to meet me, I couldn’t feel grateful. I understood that I should be, but the feeling just wasn’t there. I ended up feeling bad about myself instead.
On top of emotion, I couldn’t access my intuition either. It just seemed like it was an endless series of wrong decisions.
As I came to terms with the new reality, I contemplated the idea of “What if things don’t get better?”
It terrified me. I started to grieve all the future I had dreamed of and began asking. “How should I begin to chart my life?”
When I’m at home, I was often torn between resting and going out.
Maybe that’s what depression or uncertainty feels like. I hope now that I’ve experienced this, I can be there for my friends when they ever find themselves in this situation. I’ll also practice more of this letting go exercise.
I remembered my grandma during her last few years, she never gave up gardening. Now I understand that it was her way to feel a sense of contribution.
I yearned for someone to help brainstorm ideas about possible causes and solutions.
Looking back, I appreciate the people who checked in on me, traveled to visit me, brought me food and spent time with me, sharing similar experiences in the past. Some invited me to their religious prayers. Others shared possible diagnoses, explored ideas, and provided loving support.
To those of you, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You made this journey less lonely.
In the face of uncertainty, sometimes that is all I can hope for.
After a battery of tests with a functional doctor, I found out that I’m low on vitamin D and H Ployri stomach bacteria infection and a small intestine bacteria overgrowth (SIBO). I started an antibiotic treatment last week. And, I’m feeling better now. Hopefully, it last.
