Another zero behind our bank account.

More followers.

More impact.

A cool-looking car.

A forever partner.

But it is also the ego that is responsible for vaccines, great art, and Wikipedia.

I imagine the world would be a sad place without ego.

What the tattoo is trying to say is that the things that don’t feed us. Starve it.

But those… the ones that do. Feed it.

The discernment comes from knowing which is which.

And sometimes, it takes a tattoo to remind us what the real journey we are on.

Once a month, I pay to be with a group of men in a circle for 2 hours. Most of them are strangers.

I didn’t know then, but I came to like it a lot.

A group coming together with an intention to slow down, listen to themselves and reveal.

As I listen, I share what relates to me. It could be similar past experiences and what resonated. There’s no solving of problems, because frankly, some things can’t be solved. They just need to be shared.

I learned that, more than wanting a plan or a solution, we want to feel less alone. I get to witness struggles and joy, and in turn, share mine with others.

We shared about job uncertainty, male roles expectation, inner rage, unintended pregnancy, leaving religion, purpose transitions and parents cheating.

In a world of accomplishments, innovations and highlight reels, I get an opportunity to be honest with myself and listen. Interestingly, when I witness a “successful-looking” person sharing a difficult situation, my problem feels smaller. And maybe help someone by relating to them.

I exercise my vulnerability muscles. Sharing the things that matter, to people who listen. Showing up, month after month, I remind myself and vote for the kind of person I want to be. Honest with myself, with others, to talk about the hard stuff. The most vulnerable and truest thing.

And as I chipped away the cultural stigma for myself, I invite friends along to this gathering. Sometimes, I’m lucky and deepen a relationship. Other times, I make a new friend from strangers in the group.

I learn also that I enjoy attending despite life’s going well. I listen to people in the group. Perhaps instead of calling it a men’s group or a support group. It can be called a life group.

And of course, the real magic sauce are those who showed up and lead.

Thank you, Hafeez and Chun.

It’s worth noting that not all men’s groups are not the same. I tried two different groups. One feels directive and the other explorative. I enjoyed the latter. A shared agreement, repeated at every gathering, that anyone can pass on any activities while being honored allows me to be very comfortable.

Our relationship brings precious moments that hold our humanity but is also a place that causes endearing pain.

Caught in the middle of joy and pain, it’s hard to know if you should leave or stay. In these moments, it helps to get clarity with silence, inquiry and wisdom.

Seth Godin urges us to think about how will it fail.

Mathew Hussey’s 3 questions serve as the first line of inquiry

• Is the big flaw redeemed by a truly redeemable quality?
• Is it getting easier?
• What decision do I feel drawn to in my wisest moments?

A neutral third person such as a relationship coach or therapist can offer perspective and tease apart issues into manageable chucks.

Joy Hoffman generously created a virtual retreat for relationships for those that are entangled with work and kids and religion.

Jim Dethmer shares the difference between quitting and completing. Because unlearn lessons will follow you to the next relationship.

Conscious Uncoupling shows us that breaking up doesn’t need to ruin everything.

Here’s to nurturing and thriving relationships.

For those who want to understand you, yet you don’t feel understood.

As an experiment, 4 questions to offer the listener.

– What I hear you saying is… (Reflect or Paraphrase)

– Is that accurate/right? (If no, go back)

– Is there more?

– Are you clear about this issue? (If no, go back to question 1)

Listen, in absence of advice, comments, and thoughts.

The job is to understand. And sometimes understanding is all we need.

(Hat tip to Jim Dethmer for bringing this to my awareness.)