It’s been 5 months that I felt low energy, low mood and unproductive.

A question I’m wondering is: “Do I need rest or I am being lazy?”

I want to start writing again to make sense and look back at this period

Here are a few random thoughts and happenings:

• Not getting things done, sucks. Not contributing to my friends, sucks. Not knowing what to do, sucks. Having ample time, no energy, a wanting to contribute but not being able to, sucks.
  • I remember my coach declined work because she wanted to focus on healing her cancer. She put on her oxygen mask first.
• I visited a Somatic therapist, D. I asked D if “I needed more rest or am I being lazy?” She says: “She doesn’t like to diagnose people. She likes the body to realize what it needs.” We did several exercises. I could feel that my stomach was tight and something was stuck.
• During a meditation class, T, instructs us to imagine like we are a fly on the wall. I felt vastness, then as I looked at myself from the outside, I felt my body becoming heavy like thick mud. In the next prompt, my body goes back to normal.
• My friend, Abby, says she had a similar experience. For her, It’s the “body” beneath the body.
• A journal prompt, “How can you make a task I don’t like, 10% more enjoyable”. I journaled about wanting to find my purpose, then I got confused and tired.
• In an article from an ex-founder, after stabilizing from long COVID-19 illness, she felt anxiety when planning for intense physical exercises. She decided to find a therapist or coach.
• After being a volunteer photographer for a half day, I felt physically tired and went back home to sleep.
• I’m scared that my low engagement, and napping, will become the reason why I’m tired. Like a muscle getting atrophy because of low usage.
• When watching YouTube videos, skip to get to the point, then immediately forget the point. I am multi-tasking, skipping, and switching. I’m distracted and not enjoying the videos.
• Weird sense of optimism in the night, around 9 pm. 2 nights straight.
• I gave care to my clients, Rebekah and Regina.
• Maybe I ought to do more meditation?
• I went to a Secret Moonrise dance night event, the weather was perfect. It felt like a good workout. I didn’t feel as amazing as I thought I would.
• After a morning doctor consult and x-ray, I felt tired. I brought a bag of chips, canceled appt, slept from 1pm – 4pm, did a client call then went back to rest again.
  • It felt like I couldn’t predict my energy level. E.g. Room rental, appt to yoga, appt with friends.
• I went an integral coach, T, for a consultation. He shares that it could be that my new way of being has emerged from previous coaching with Christina. It has been beaten down because of the sale of the childhood home, and disappointment to find a new home. With the passing of the previous coach, I’ve lost the guide back to the new way of being. Without a guide, I have to rely on myself. But as the endeavor might be too huge, I get scared and go into hiding.
• I asked if I had a billion dollars tomorrow, what would I do? I would hire all the best coaches and teachers to learn about spirituality and orient to the new way of being.