The past six months have been the scariest experience of my life.

After enduring months of constant fatigue and confusion, I hope that sharing my experience will provide insight if you or a friend are facing similar situations.

My daily routine was: to wake up at 9am, gym, and email for 2 hours. Then I would tire and go back to sleep till 4pm. Some days, I never leave the house for the rest of the day.

One month in, with no increase in my energy levels, I decided to cut back on all my projects – coaching, volunteering with AWARE, and podcasting. I only kept working on my animation studio projects.

I tried various things to improve my symptoms – coaches, somatic therapy, nature walks, volunteering to deliver meals, renting my own place, meditation class and even praying through different religions. There are slight improvements, but it did not sustain. My symptoms did not improve and time is passing like sand.

I’m confused if it’s burnout, grief and midlife crisis. I explored it all. The trouble is psychological “problems” are not definite.

I was running out of ideas.

I never anticipated that my emotions would be affected. I couldn’t feel. I had no feelings, no anger, no sadness, no joy. Making decisions became ten times harder. Sometimes, it would take me days to reply messages.

Even though my friends took time out of their schedules to meet me, I couldn’t feel grateful. I understood that I should be, but the feeling just wasn’t there. I ended up feeling bad about myself instead.

On top of emotion, I couldn’t access my intuition either. It just seemed like it was an endless series of wrong decisions.

As I came to terms with the new reality, I contemplated the idea of “What if things don’t get better?”

It terrified me. I started to grieve all the future I had dreamed of and began asking. “How should I begin to chart my life?”

When I’m at home, I was often torn between resting and going out.

Maybe that’s what depression or uncertainty feels like. I hope now that I’ve experienced this, I can be there for my friends when they ever find themselves in this situation. I’ll also practice more of this letting go exercise.

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I remembered my grandma during her last few years, she never gave up gardening. Now I understand that it was her way to feel a sense of contribution.

I yearned for someone to help brainstorm ideas about possible causes and solutions.

Looking back, I appreciate the people who checked in on me, traveled to visit me, brought me food and spent time with me, sharing similar experiences in the past. Some invited me to their religious prayers. Others shared possible diagnoses, explored ideas, and provided loving support.

To those of you, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You made this journey less lonely.

In the face of uncertainty, sometimes that is all I can hope for.

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After a battery of tests with a functional doctor, I found out that I’m low on vitamin D and H Ployri stomach bacteria infection and a small intestine bacteria overgrowth (SIBO). I started an antibiotic treatment last week. And, I’m feeling better now. Hopefully, it last.

My channel was removed without warning. Despite my appeal, the only response I received stated that my videos violated community rules, without any specific details.

Overnight, all my videos were gone.

After hitting several dead ends, I accepted my fate and started a new channel to upload videos that I hadn’t deleted.

A month later, that channel was also removed. Once again, I received the same email, without any clarification on which video(s) had caused the issue.

Fortunately, a friend knew someone who worked at YouTube. Thanks to them, both channels were recovered.

Youtube has its challenges of moderating content. But I don’t think driving license get revoked the first time we speed though a red light. Account deletion is not a guardrail.

P.S. Back up your videos.

As I embarked on my journey of recovery from grief, I gave myself ample space to relax and recover.

My symptoms – low energy, low desire and low appetite.

As the months went by, I became confused. Am I healing or procrastinating or lazy?

I wondered whether lying in bed, was becoming a problem and not a solution.

So, I tricked myself into getting out of the house to a co-working space for a week.

I immediately feel better.

Was healing done?

I feel terrible that I didn’t feel grateful or show gratitude when friends generously offered their advice, time, and presence.

I have a gratitude journal, I wrote it, yet gratitude didn’t come.

What I have learned, is that during burnout or grief, gratitude is not available because the emotional sensing tool is not working.

But it is okay to express appreciation, without feeling grateful.

There’s no need to blame myself.

Thank you for the reminder, Jeane.