Generally a good rule, except when it’s not.

You like vanilla, and she likes chocolate.

You might benefit from 10,000 steps, he might enjoy swimming.

They might want guns, and you don’t believe in it.

You might need advice, he might need a listening ear. Someone to be with the pain.

When in doubt, share your kind intention, and ask if the person wants it.

Assuming, then imposing, might be a good rule.

But generally a bad idea.

Many broken, and great friendships later, I’ve gathered some observations, insights, and advice. I hope you find something useful.

1. Love yourself. The unloveable parts of yourself. The parts that get you in trouble. The parts that ate the leftovers that weren’t yours. The more you can accept those parts of yourself, the more you accept those of others.
2. Learn to be by yourself, with yourself. When you enjoy your own company, you generate your own joy and bring it with you. Your presence becomes a gift.
3. Share your difficult times and your journey of overcome. Be a fellow traveler, not a critic.
4. Be curious. Find out what is hard for others and why. Ask for permission. Most people don’t need advice, they need company. Facing difficult things is difficult. As Thich Nhat Hanh says to his friends, “Dear one, I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.”
5. Okay, I take that back. Maybe they could use some advice, but first ask “Would you like to brainstorm together or if we just sit together?” Let silence do it work.
6. Be interesting. Do projects that contribute. Learn things that light you up. List them down and share them.
7. Be honest and hold strong morals. How and what you do after your mistakes matters more than the mistake. Don’t be the person that others need to watch their back around.
8. Fall in love with people, with humans. In their potential, their goals, their journey. Fall in love not for the things you can get, but for what you can give. People like people who like them.
9. Learn to listen for what isn’t said – the context, the emotions, the energy. Suicide hotlines or coaching courses are good places to practice.
10. In every interaction, make it your job to find out what they care about, what’s getting in the way and how you can help. Connections, ideas, lived experience and presence are gifts to offer.
11. Two good questions. “What are you curious about in this season?”, and “If you were writing a book about your life, what would you name the current chapter?”
12. Most people are unaware of their gifts because it comes easily, and assume everyone finds them easy too. When you spot it, tell them. What you appreciate about them. Only if it’s genuine.
13. Vanessa taught me the importance of a good answer, when asked “what do you do?” The goal is to create opportunities for questions and conversation. It is not to explain your life work or sell them something they don’t want.
14. Remember their names, their kid’s names, their birthdays, and what they care about. Write it down.
15. Make time to follow up within a week. Share links, share your network, share ideas for bettering. Following up shows sincerity.
16. After each interaction, ask yourself “How is my engagement level and my energy level?” Check if they are truly your people. Its easy to lie to lie to yourself.
17. Double down on your people. Ask them out, go to them, and give an easy out “Love to grab coffee sometimes. I can swing over to you. Not sure how’s your schedules.”
18. Gift good gifts and they don’t need to be expensive. Snacks, toys, books, candles. Something useful, something delicious, something delightful. Lea has a great book coming.
19. There 2 ways to make friend. Give help and ask for help. Don’t steal the opportunity for someone to help you. “Hey Janice, I got a favor to ask. I’m going through a weird time. If you got time, love your presence with me.” “Hey JR, do you have 30mins? I love to get your take on some property that I’m considering. But no worries if you’re busy.”
20. Donate to their cause. Buy what they make. Recommend their business to others. Cheer for them, whenever you can.
21. If you see a friend walking into a trap, however uncomfortable, tell them. Take the risk, you’ll learn who they are. On the flipside, don’t be that person who say “I told you so”.
22. Don’t assume, ask. When a friend is going through something difficult, “Are you well?”, “How do you feel about it?” It creates an opportunity to connect and find out what they really need.
23. If this sounds like a lot of time and energy, it is. But the good news is you only need 7 close friends, not 500. Those are on your favourites, that you make time each quarter to check-in, the rest can come and go, as you feel.
24. Lastly, lean into each moment, and every encounter expecting magic or miracles to happen. (Thank you, Adam)

To my friends who treated me with dignity and grace, thank you.

Here’s the prequel to this post…

Viktor Frankl wrote the seminal book about living. People who have a purpose, a meaning to live, feel more positive.

But guess who doesn’t have a purpose? Children.

And from what I observe, when their basic needs are met, they are pretty happy.

And who are those searching for purpose? People who are lost, in deep pain.

I don’t see many people who are, in community, in good health, in good jobs, looking hard for purpose.

Purpose is a hack, purpose is a shortcut.

Purpose can also cause burnout and anxiety (look at social workers).

The good news is, purpose is not required. It’s good to have.

Happiness is a skill. It is awareness, acceptance, healing and self-care.

Purpose, goal and meaning. They are optional, freakout too.

Funny how we say, human resource.

A resource, something that we try to acquire and hoard, as much as we can.

An industrialist wanting to maximise profit, create traps and incentive to retain his best employee. Save him the effort of looking for new people to hire.

Meanwhile, the Aesop’s, Patagonia’s, and Noma’s of the world, where people choose to be at work, constantly outperform any industry standard.

Zappos, an online shoe store, paid their employee $2,000 to quit. They were sold to Amazon for $1.2 billion.

If we ask ourselves, would you give your best effort, when we are forced to stay at a place we don’t want to?

Maybe what if, instead of treating humans as resources, we treat humans as humans?

Humans with families, goals and dreams.

Maybe just maybe, they will find out that, this is the organisation they want to stay for the long haul.

(Thanks Ryan, Liza, Mirtra, RJ, Olivia and Patty for the inspiration)

Networking has a bad reputation. It starts when we enter our work life. We need things, so we form relationships hoping to get something in the future.

Connecting, on the other hand, was never taught. To see someone for who they are, where they’ve been and where they are going. To read the emotional weather. To look beyond someone’s value for you.

When we want to connect, we avoid LinkedIn and talking about work. We talk about other stuff. Relationship, feelings and weekend adventures.

But, work is an important pillar of our life. To know what someone is gifted at, helping them succeed at it.

Of course, it’s an art and skill. To navigate connection, while talking about work. It starts with intention and is layered with curious questions, gentle requests and a generosity to contribute.

The best kind of networking is connecting. And the worst kind of connecting, is networking.

You’ll make mistakes and people will misunderstand you. That’s part of it.

I hope you don’t wait around for too long.

The world is filled with lonely people waiting for you to make the first move.

Driving is tiring, but why?

Zoom is tiring, why?

We hardly move our bodies. And we are in the best climate.

When we fill our days with meetings and activities, sooner or later, after a string of meetings, we show up with half the energy.

We are there, but we are not there.

True listening requires energy. Synthesizing requires energy. Good decision-making requires energy.

More and more so, tools are created (AI) to help us with routine tasks and chores. Things that are valuable are becoming creative human work. Decisions, organising and caring.

I wonder if productivity needs a new name. Say, energy management?

Liberty, a funny word. The state of being free within society from law or rules.

Yet…

The quietness of your sleep can be ruined by a party too loud.

The late-night commute feels differently when you are anticipating a serial rapist around the corner.

Or, consider your hard-earned reputation to be ruined by deep fake or unfounded opinions.

We ask, why can’t we have more freedom?

When in fact, freedom comes with responsibility.

If you are willing to take on the weight of a well-cared-for community, that is the day you understand what freedom means.

When we treat our relationships like a recipe, it rarely works.

To bake a cake, we know what to do. We follow the recipe, cakes come out.

In close relationships, however, it’s a dance, with 2 rhythms. Yours and theirs.

The busy parent who believes in quality time, celebrates the birthday party, and attends the football tournament.

Yes, quality matters.

What trips us up is the belief that we just need to be there at the BIG moments. And we know when.

But your rhythm might not match their rhythm. The time when your child wants to share the truth about his experience at school or how the stars gave questions about living.

The moment arises, and we need to be there to catch it.

The tricky part is we don’t know when. But when it comes, those are the moments that count.

There is no way of knowing ahead, we just need to be there.

Quality matters and quantity matters too.

When we treat our relationship, like caring for our teeth, it might just work better.