For most people, the holidays are more about present exchange than the selfless act of actually giving a gift.
A present exchange is a beginning of a transaction while you anticipate something in return. I give you, you give me. We’re even.
If you want to show that you care, the worst time is when it’s being lumped it together as a cultural act. And the best time is when there are no other reasons, but only that you care.
Think about the gifts that you remembered long past you should. The ones that you treasured and thought about fondly.
Chances are, they are not expensive. They are meaningful.
It’s as simple as a kind note sent spontaneously. A book at the right time or dinner delivered to you. Someone saw you for who you are, where you’re going and what you need.
What makes the difference is empathy. When we extend our heart and our feelings to another, when we imagine what it must be like to be them, it will wear you out.
It’s not easy. But it’s precisely what makes the best gifts, not the price tag.
[HT: The letter from Jim Collins to his dean is still resonating with me.]
One way to appreciate the day is to accept that we’re going to die, and it might be today. That’s the truth. We are all going to die. We are all decaying.
You can choose to be depressed or you can choose to see it as a gift. It can bring you happiness or great sadness. The good news is that it is a skill, not a talent. Let’s call it gratitude. A skill, not a talent, to look at difficult situations and treating it as a gift.
It’s easy to be grateful for the things that are going your way. But the opportunity is to figure out how to be grateful for the difficult things.
This year I’m grateful for the pandemic. This has affected many companies and the livelihood of many. Many companies have shut down. Many people have lost their jobs, their plans vanished and are forced to work from home. I also think this has given myself and others, an opportunity to look inward and get to know ourselves. We can’t run away from the relationships we have at home, and most importantly, our relationship with ourselves. This has got me to re-look at my values, hire an integral coach and try to align my views of life. I got to learn about the emotions that I didn’t know I have and how best to use them.
Many people blame the government for the poor execution of the covid plan, especially the foreign workers’ dorm situation. This could also be the tipping point that could cause a lasting change. It is amazing to see Singaporeans band together, self-organise and launches initiatives to help the community. It shows that we, Singaporeans are powerful leaders, who don’t need to follow the rules and achieve amazing things.
I’m grateful for my parents. Despite our differences which led to many disagreements, they are really brave to join me for family therapy. And show up weekly to improve our communication together. They have provided a nourishing space for me to rest and recuperate.
I’m grateful for health. This year, the lower back has given up a few times which has caused me to be bedridden for a few days. This also led me to look into my health. I changed my relationship with food and developed new eating habits. This has resulted in me getting to the lowest weight in my adult life. I look way better and feel so too.
My wrist has also got some problems. It was easily inflamed which prevented me from using the Vespa, a few days at a time. I pay a lot more attention to it now and know when to rest it. Being more attune to my wrist and stretching it more, the flexibility has improved and I don’t need to rest my wrist for more than a day at a time.
The more we practice gratitude, the happier we will be. It is not to ignore the problem. But instead of a state of panic and anxiety, we go about solving these problems in a clear and calm fashion. Which might just be the most effective way.
If the journey is the destination, would you like to enjoy it?
[Thanks Tynan for inspiring this post]
One way to deal with difficult problems is to insist on thinking through, with intense focus, all possible outcomes, investigate each fears, and draw possible connections.
Holding all that in your brain, start brainstorming on novel solutions to solve the multiple downstream problems and upstream causes. This back and forth feels efficient, but it fails to deliver on a few fronts.
1) By the time, you go from problem A to problem D, you forget problem B. Then jump back and forth
2) What might be 6 problems feels like an infinite death spiral
3) The initial anxiety leads to a looming darkness
The alternative is to list it out. Problems, upstream causes and downstream effects. Brainstorm solutions for each problems.
You can rank these ideas by expense, by urgency, by importance. You can estimate on timelines and say, “what do I do now?” An elegant solution might just present itself.
First thing to know, it is 6 problems, not a looming death spiral.
It could be
That you’ve didn’t practice enough
That you didn’t have a standing ovation
That your expectations are unrealistically high
That you didn’t meet someone’s expectation
That the expectations were unclear
That you’re trying to be everything to everyone
Consider the oldest and most successful book. Even the bible has one star reviews, who do you think you are?
Chances are, you can’t achieve every expectation of you. It’s a trap to try and win that game. So it comes down to your inner expectation of yourself, then aligning it with the other. Accepting the ones you can achieve.
It is first to look within and figure out those expectations, to see if they are realistic and if it is what you wanted in the first place. Solidify your own standard, the courage will come.
Sometimes, the most important job is an inside job.
The other day, I watched a recording of a work culture expert ranting about respect. He said that respect is a basic human right.
While I don’t think it should be expected, it cost vanishingly little to offer.
Respect allows someone to show up as a person of potential. Respect gives people choices, which leads to self-agency and ownership. An upwards cycle of growth and the ability to do more.
In the free labour market, where people get to choose their job, especially the ones with skills. And when the best kind of work isn’t done by automatons. Perhaps it’s time to invest in respect and empathy. It is not only more fun, it works better too.
As I hit the big thirty, I took some time to look back. See how I have changed, learn, the people who helped me. Taking that perspective, and see the possibilities that lie ahead. Then, lean into it.
How are you different?
What were the notable wins, milestones, and experiences?
What were your key learnings?
Who helped along the way?
How do you want to show up next year?
[Thank you Steve Schalfman for inspiring this post]
I noticed this from my coach. After the end of my sharing, she added a beat and looked me in the eyes. It is as if she is asking (in her head) “is there anything else you want to share?” Then she took a breath and said “thank you for sharing.”
I felt seen. I wanted to share and connect more. Maybe I even teared a little.
During my family meeting, I tried on the posture of my coach, saying “thank you” and adding an extra beat. It was awkward. It was time-consuming. And we did not get through everything I wanted.
The extra beat created a pause, enough for me to recall lessons from books. And instead of blurting it as an edict, I seek permission to share (“Something came to mind as you were sharing your thoughts that I think might be helpful. May I share it?”)
Sure, we did not get through everything I wanted. But that hour was magical. We shared more deeply than we have and it laid the groundwork for a different way of engagement.
This takes emotional labour and you’ll be tired. It might not be for everyone. But for someone important, it might be worth it.
[Thank you, Christina Monson]
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