It’s something we choose and we rarely benefit from it.

The flip side is gratitude.

Whenever we feel confused or wronged, stop the heartache with gratitude. For our breath, for the ability to contribute, for awe of life.

A simple way to think about it: We’re not grateful because we’re happy. We’re happy because we’re grateful.

One of the insurmountable challenges is to convince any parent to go for family therapy. And this is how I did it. 

It has been 6 months since we’ve embarked on our monthly “family dinners”. I put time away to discuss our challenges, triggers and wants, hopefully, to improve our relationship. Yet, my only reliable strategy for a delightful dinner was to shut my mouth. 

I’ve read books (Non-Violent Communication, Why You Won’t Apologize), listened to interviews with renowned therapists (Esther Perel, Brene Brown), and implemented learnings into these dinners. Everything sort of works until one of us would get triggered and that’s the end of dinner. 

On this day, I had a new perspective. Perhaps it is not the message, it’s the messenger. Time to bring in the professional, the family therapist, the person with years of experience resolving deep-rooted issues. A person with a wall of certificates and success stories to share.

Now, the plan is to convince my parents for therapy.
1) Align common goals: A better family relationship.
2) Agree that the current approach is not achieving results: Monthly dinners
3) Seek advice for possible reasons
4) Actively listen to them
5) Suggest my solution: family therapy
6) Conclude and execute on the new approach

“Mom, what do you think could be possible reasons why we are not progressing in our relationship after months of dinners?” I asked. 

Mom got silent and replied, “Bryan, I think you have depression.”

My jaw dropped. “Oh… okay. Well, what about you? Maybe you’re the one who has depression? We should go to the doctor together!” I’m surprised by my reply. 

And there we go, sitting outside the polyclinic waiting for our number to be called. 

After a round of questions with the doctor, he concluded, “Bryan, you don’t have depression. You’re too productive to be depressed.” 

“Well, I know that already. Now you just need to convince my mum,” I smiled. 

My parents got invited back into the room and were debunked of their concern that I have depression. Out of possible reasons, that’s how my mum got roped into the family therapy.  

Often times, we have a certain way of seeing the world. Instead of a verbal argument to change someone’s mind, or worse, using power to instruct or name -call which is not at all effective, the next best thing might be to let reality do its job.  There is no need for power, logic or debate. It’s simply an embrace of the opinion of others, treat it as an experiment and let reality do its teaching. Perhaps, this is the best way to change someone’s mind and even better, be beside them like the kind teacher we all hope for. 

Putting your worst foot forward turns out to be a great negotiation tactic, but more importantly, an excellent thinking process to get what you want.

That is how Rufus Griscom raised $3.3 million dollars from investors, and eventually sold his company to Disney for $40 million dollars.

Instead of flaunting his strengths and minimising his weaknesses, he leads meetings with “top five reasons not to invest in my business” and “Here’s Why You Should Not Buy Babble.”

This way of selling doesn’t only make him seem sincere and empathic, but also smart and realistic.

Unbridled optimism can come across as slimy salesmanship, making us seem dishonest and as a consequence, met with skepticism. It is a form of delusion, the inability to look at reality without bias. Too much of it can be catastrophic.

Ironically, by acknowledging and thinking about the most serious problems, Rufus disarms the investors, opens the possibility to plan for business risk, and get people on his side to solve these problems together.

Of course, being optimistic makes us happier. But every once in a while, it’s time put away those rose-tinted glasses and look at reality for what it really is.

The environment influence us more than we think.

Two weeks ago, I was out with some friends and pointed out a ramen shop.

“Have you tried it before?” I asked.

“No, not yet but I want to!” my friend replied eagerly.

“Why didn’t you?”

“Jake (her fiancé) doesn’t want to eat anything. He’s fasting”.

“But he is okay to hang out while you eat, right? He does that most of the time,” I said.

Upon probing, it turned out that she did not indulge in the ramen. She felt guilty because her fiance did not want to eat with her. Even though her fiance explicitly says that he doesn’t judge her, it turns out, she judges herself.

Just by being around others, we subconsciously take on people’s values and use that to judge ourselves.

The good news is that everyone has a choice. Turn it off. Walk away. Clear the decks. Then, from an empty place, we can build our mise en place, piece by piece.

Today is just as good a day to get started. Choose your circle. Choose your outcomes.

If money is a motivator, then why are the hardest working people employed in nonprofit organisations. Some work in some of the most difficult conditions imaginable — disaster recovery zones, countries gripped by famine and flood and earn a fraction of what they would if they were in the private sector. Yet its rare for these managers of nonprofits to complain about getting their staff motivated. 

It turns out that the theory of incentive is not really accurate. Frederick Herzberg has published an updated theory – hygiene factor and motivation factors. 

Hygiene factors are status, compensation, job security, work conditions, company policies and supervisory practices. 

Motivation factors includes challenging work, recognition, responsibility, and personal growth. Feelings that we are making a meaningful contribution to work. 

It is frightfully easy for us to lose our sense of the difference between what brings money and what causes happiness. Beyond a certain point, hygiene factors such as money, status, compensation, and job security are much more a by-product of being happy with a job rather than the cause of it. 

As for leaders, here’s a better set of questions worth pondering about. Is this work meaningful? Is this job going to develop the person? Are they going to learn new things? How can we create opportunities for recognition and achievement? How can I give more responsibility?

Answer works. It’s the shortest route to our problems. The cookie recipes, math formulas and sometimes even travel guides. That’s because someone has come up with using theories or their first-hand experiences.

Today, we don’t think twice when we’re flying. Looking back at history, it wasn’t the case. Many men have attempted flying by strapping on wings, replicating what they believed allowed birds to soar: wings and feathers. It is not until Dutch-Swiss mathematician Daniel Bernooulli outlined the theory of fluid dynamics, that explained the concept of lift. We had gone from correlation (wings) to causation (lift).

Of course, that wasn’t enough to make flight perfectly reliable. Researchers still needed to understand the weather, angle of the aircraft, the landing sequence and much more. Then, define the playbook for pilots to follow in order to succeed in each circumstances.

Answers are quick to solve problems in exact circumstances. Theories, on the other hand, are slow but it provides the understanding to derived answers when circumstances change.

You could probably tell who you’ll hire when we are in a fast-changing landscape.

If you’ve ever joined an event with strangers that want to connect with you, I hope you’ll find these tips useful:

1. Introducing yourself is a skill. It comes with scripting, practising, and being awkward (at first).
2. The question on the test is “So, what do you do?” And the way to ace it is to plan for it.
3. A good introduction should engage you, draw you in, and leave you wanting more.
4. A bad introduction is a slogan, a sales attempt or an over-complicated mission statement.
5. No longer than 10 seconds and 3 sentences. Being thoughtful of someone’s attention is an invisible gift.
6. A useful Framework: I am a (_____) who helps (____) because (____).
7. You are not limited to one introduction. Different introductions are helpful different crowds and occasions.
8. Record yourself saying it. The awkwardness of the camera is just talking a stranger.
9. Practice until you’re so comfortable that you can send it to a friend for feedback.
10. Brainstorming is always better with more. Share this article and enrol some friends.

Here are some examples to get you started:

• I am a momtrepreneur. I help parents communicate with their kids using easy tips I had to learn the hard way.
• I’m a flexitarian chef. After overcoming all kinds of health problems, I began creating recipes for people to eat for complete wellness.
• I’m a corporate lady turned coach. My clients are all brilliant but need a little help with motivation- just like I did when I first started.
• I’m a baker, but for ideas. My goal is to help struggling entrepreneurs cultivate their great ideas.
• I’m a human behaviour hacker. I help high achievers be more memorable.
• By day, I run a 2D animation studio. By night, I have a podcast where I interview and learn from Misfits.
• I connect entrepreneur with other like-minded peers through top-secret events.
• I’m a developer in a startup that is trying to solve Singapore’s transportation problem.
• I’m a university student learning how to apply psychology to solve business problems.
• I manage a co-working space. Think of it like hotels but for offices.

There is only one first time to introduce yourself. And your first impression counts. Give the gift of a delightful introduction.