Amateur artists are obsessed with freedom.

They mistakenly believe that freedom is the condition for creativity. When inspiration strikes, they act quickly and discard their routines to stoke the creative fire.

They paint their room, wear their outfit, make their food with immense creativity.

Except, that is not how great art is made.

For great art to happen, wander needs rigour.

It is to regularise the trivial, to reduce the number of decisions for the small thing. Using those energy to focus on doing art that matters, for people who care.

So, no. Great art is not created with absolute freedom. It is made by extreme discipline.

And it might be worth thinking hard about the routines and system you need to support real kind of creativity.

Of course, you want friends that are happy, wealthy and smart. Millionaires with yachts.

After all, you are the average of the 5 people you hang out with.

One way is to get into those circles is to hustle, pitch and push, and get someone to let you in.

Because the reality of what’s on offer (you) can’t match the hype. The pitch can’t succeed on merit, so social pressure is needed. Leaning harder on someone else’s generosity. So it feels forced.

An alternative is to overwhelm others with so much care and delight. To show up with skills and resources to share, earning permission and trust. To read situations and offer things we don’t know that we need yet, without expectations.

“Kevin, I noticed that you’re launching a book soon. I have a podcast with a listener base of 5,000. I love to help you share it. We could do a 30mins interview or I can also make a list of learnings and share it with my audience. Thank you for all the work that you do.”

“Spencer, I love 12mins of your time to talk about growing my business. I do realise you are very busy and that your time is very important to you. So, I’m willing to pay you whatever you think it’s fair for that time. I just would like the opportunity to be able to get mentored by you. I’m not looking to waste it.

Sure, it might feel fake and tiring. You don’t have the energy and time. But the good news is you only need 5 people.

It’s easy to see which strategy might work for you in the long run.

Here’s a useful tactic:

1) Empathise “God, sounds like you’re freaking out about your dad. And he’s not staying in quarantine. I imagine you’re really scared. Is that right? Is that what’s going on?”

2) Validate. “That makes perfect sense.” “I get you.” “It’s so frustrating when the people we love don’t listen to you. I get it, I really do. You’re frustrated and scared. Is that it?”

3) Support “Is there any support you want?” “Do you think it would help if we sit together for a while and breath?”

By naming the emotions at hand, it allow the other to get attention to it and externalise the emotion. And they get to feel that someone is feeling with them.

They learn that the emotions they are feeling are perfectly normal and that someone understands them.

Lastly, it’s to empower the individual to find a solution that is best for them. And you can be there to support.

Empathise, validate, support.

If your house is on fire, I don’t think it is a difficult conversation to wake everybody up and get the hell out of the house.

So what makes something difficult? I argue a difficult conversation is difficult because we want two things, not one thing. And that’s the beginning of stress.

Let’s define stress. In physical terms, stress happens when something wants to be in two places. If we apply pressure to both ends of an iron rod, stress is created. One part wants to be here and one part wants to be there.

And for us, stress is when we want to do two incompatible things at once. We have an inability to decide what’s important. We want to relax, but we need to work. We want to fire someone, but we want them to like us. Now, we’re under stress.

When we want to get out of stress, perhaps a good place to start is asking, what are the two things I am wanting at this moment?

It’s not the first person who pays you.

It’s certainly not the beta testers.

It’s not even your friend or family who listened to your ideas.

The first customer of any project, business or undertaking, is you.

Sure, your action might eventually be helping others. But you do it because of you. It benefits you.

It could be as obvious as money or status. Or it could be the joy of dancing with possibilities or the fuzzy feeling from the closeness with someone.

The trap is failing to accept that we do it because of us. We run into trouble over-extending ourselves and getting stuck in mental black holes.

Focusing your energy on yourself first (known as self-care) is going to make far more impact than trafficking in guilt and shame.